Bible Readings for September 13, 2019

Today our passages are Isaiah 12:1–14:32; 2 Corinthians 13:1-14; Psalm 57:1-11; and Proverbs 23:9-11. The readings are from the Contemporary English Version. If you find these readings helpful, please consider sending an offering directly to Cove Presbyterian Church, 3404 Main Street, Weirton, West Virginia or through PayPal by using the link below.

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Isaiah 12-14:32 (Contemporary English Version)

Isaiah 12

A Song of Praise

 ¹At that time you will say,    "I thank you, LORD!
   You were angry with me,
   but you stopped being angry
   and gave me comfort.
    ²I trust you to save me,
   LORD God,
   and I won't be afraid.
   My power and my strength ^[a] come from you,
   and you have saved me."
    ³With great joy, you people
   will get water
   from the well of victory.
    ⁴At that time you will say,
   "Our LORD, we are thankful,
   and we worship only you.
   We will tell the nations
   how glorious you are
   and what you have done.
    ⁵Because of your wonderful deeds
   we will sing your praises
   everywhere on earth."
    ⁶Sing, people of Zion!
   Celebrate the greatness
   of the holy LORD of Israel.
   God is here to help you.
   

Isaiah 13

Babylon Will Be Punished

 ¹This is the message ^[b] that I was given about Babylon: ²From high on a barren hill    give a signal, shout the orders,
   and point the way
   to enter the gates
   of Babylon's proud rulers.
    ³The LORD has commanded
   his very best warriors
   and his proud heroes
   to show how angry he is.
    ⁴Listen to the noisy crowds
   on the mountains!
   Kingdoms and nations
   are joining forces.
   The LORD All-Powerful
   is bringing together
   an army for battle.
    ⁵From a distant land
   the LORD is coming
   fierce and furious--
   he brings his weapons
   to destroy the earth.
    ⁶Cry and weep!
   The day is coming
   when the mighty LORD
   will bring destruction.
    ⁷All people will be terrified.
   Hands will grow limp;
   courage will melt away.
    ⁸Everyone will tremble with pain
   like a woman giving birth;
   they will stare at each other
   with horror on their faces.   

There Will Be No Mercy

 ⁹I, the LORD,    will show no mercy or pity
   when that time comes.
   In my anger I will destroy
   the earth
   and every sinner
   who lives on it.
    ¹⁰Light will disappear
   from the stars in the sky;
   the dawning sun will turn dark,
   and the moon
   will lose its glow.
    ¹¹I will punish this evil world
   and its people
   because of their sins.
   I will crush the horrible pride
   of those who are cruel.
    ¹²Survivors will be harder to find
   than the purest gold.
    ¹³I, the LORD All-Powerful,
   am terribly angry--
   I will make the sky tremble
   and the earth shake loose.
    ¹⁴Everyone will run
   to their homelands,
   just as hunted deer run,
   and sheep scatter
   when they have no shepherd.
    ¹⁵Those who are captured
   will be killed by a sword.
    ¹⁶They will see their children
   beaten against rocks,
   their homes robbed,
   and their wives abused.
    ¹⁷The Medes ^[c] can't be bought off with silver or gold,
   and I'm sending them
   to attack Babylonia.
    ¹⁸Their arrows will slaughter
   the young men;
   no pity will be shown
   to babies and children.   

The LORD Will Destroy Babylon

 ¹⁹The city of Babylon    is glorious and powerful,
   the pride of the nation.
   But it will be like the cities
   of Sodom and Gomorrah
   after I, the Lord,
   destroyed them.
    ²⁰No one will live in Babylon.
   Even nomads won't camp nearby,
   and shepherds won't let
   their sheep rest there.
    ²¹Only desert creatures,
   hoot owls, and ostriches
   will live in its ruins,
   and goats ^[d] will leap about. ²²Hyenas and wolves will howl
   from Babylon's fortresses
   and beautiful palaces.
   Its time is almost up!
   

Isaiah 14

The LORD's People Will Come Home

 ¹The LORD will have mercy on Israel and will let them be his chosen people once again. He will bring them back to their own land, and foreigners will join them as part of Israel. ²Other nations will lead them home, and Israel will make slaves of them in the land that belongs to the Lord. Israel will rule over those who once governed and mistreated them.    

Death to the King of Babylonia!

 ³The LORD will set you free from your sorrow, suffering, and slavery. ⁴Then you will make fun of the King of Babylonia by singing this song:    That cruel monster is done for!
   He won't attack us again. ^[e] ⁵The LORD has crushed the power
   of those evil kings,
    ⁶who were furious
   and never stopped abusing
   the people of other nations.
    ⁷Now all the world is at peace;
   its people are celebrating
   with joyful songs.
    ⁸King of Babylonia,
   even the cypress trees
   and the cedars of Lebanon
   celebrate and say,
   "Since you were put down,
   no one comes along
   to chop us down."
    ⁹The world of the dead
   eagerly waits for you.
   With great excitement,
   the spirits of ancient rulers
   hear about your coming.
    ¹⁰Each one of them will say,
   "Now you are just as weak
   as any of us!
    ¹¹Your pride and your music
   have ended here
   in the world of the dead.
   Worms are your blanket,
   maggots are your bed."
    ¹²You, the bright morning star,
   have fallen from the sky!
   You brought down other nations;
   now you are brought down.
    ¹³You said to yourself,
   "I'll climb to heaven
   and place my throne
   above the highest stars.
   I'll sit there with the gods
   far away in the north.
    ¹⁴I'll be above the clouds,
   just like God Most High."
    ¹⁵But now you are deep
   in the world of the dead.
    ¹⁶Those who see you will stare
   and wonder,
   "Is this the man
   who made the world tremble
   and shook up kingdoms?
    ¹⁷Did he capture every city
   and make earth a desert?
   Is he the one who refused
   to let prisoners go home?"
    ¹⁸When kings die, they are buried
   in glorious tombs.
    ¹⁹But you will be left unburied,
   just another dead body
   lying underfoot
   like a broken branch.
   You will be one of many
   killed in battle
   and gone down
   to the deep rocky pit. ^[f] ²⁰You won't be buried with kings;
   you ruined your country
   and murdered your people.
   You evil monster!
   We hope that your family
   will be forgotten forever.
    ²¹We will slaughter your sons
   to make them pay
   for the crimes
   of their ancestors.
   They won't take over the world
   or build cities
   anywhere on this earth.
    ²²The LORD All-Powerful has promised to attack Babylonia and destroy everyone there, so that none of them will ever be remembered again. ²³The LORD will sweep out the people, and the land will become a swamp for wild animals.   

Assyria Will Be Punished

 ²⁴The LORD All-Powerful    has made this promise:
   Everything I have planned
   will happen just as I said.
    ²⁵I will wipe out every Assyrian
   in my country,
   and I will crush those
   on my mountains.
   I will free my people
   from slavery
   to the Assyrians.
    ²⁶I have planned this
   for the whole world,
   and my mighty arm
   controls every nation.
    ²⁷I, the LORD All-Powerful,
   have made these plans.
   No one can stop me now!   

The Philistines Will Be Punished

 ²⁸This message came from the LORD    in the year King Ahaz died: ^[g] ²⁹Philistines, don't be happy
   just because the rod
   that punished you
   is broken.
   That rod will become
   a poisonous snake,
   and then
   a flying fiery dragon.
    ³⁰The poor and needy will find
   pastures for their sheep
   and will live in safety.
   But I will starve some of you,
   and others will be killed.
    ³¹Cry and weep in the gates
   of your towns,
   you Philistines!
   Smoke blows in from the north, ^[h] and every soldier is ready.
    ³²If a messenger comes
   from a distant nation,
   you must say:
   "The LORD built Zion.
   Even the poorest of his people
   will find safety there."
   

Footnotes:

1. Isaiah 12:2 strength: Or "song."
2. Isaiah 13:1 message: See the note at 1.1.
3. Isaiah 13:17 Medes: People of a nation northeast of Babylonia, which became part of the Persian Empire.
4. Isaiah 13:21 goats: Or "demons."
5. Isaiah 14:4 He. . . again: One possible meaning for the difficult Hebrew text.
6. Isaiah 14:19 deep rocky pit: The world of the dead.
7. Isaiah 14:28 King Ahaz died: 715 B.C.
8. Isaiah 14:31 north: The Assyrian and Babylonian attacks came from the north.

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2 Corinthians 13:1-14 (Contemporary English Version)

2 Corinthians 13

Final Warnings and Greetings

 ¹I am on my way to visit you for the third time. And as the Scriptures say, "Any charges must be proved true by at least two or three witnesses." ²During my second visit I warned you that I would punish you and anyone else who doesn't stop sinning. I am far away from you now, but I give you the same warning. ³This should prove to you that I am speaking for Christ. When he corrects you, he won't be weak. He will be powerful! ⁴Although he was weak when he was nailed to the cross, he now lives by the power of God. We are weak, just as Christ was. But you will see that we will live by the power of God, just as Christ does.     ⁵Test yourselves and find out if you really are true to your faith. If you pass the test, you will discover that Christ is living in you. But if Christ isn't living in you, you have failed. ⁶I hope you will discover that we have not failed. ⁷We pray that you will stop doing evil things. We don't pray like this to make ourselves look good, but to get you to do right, even if we are failures.
    ⁸All we can do is to follow the truth and not fight against it. ⁹Even though we are weak, we are glad that you are strong, and we pray that you will do even better. ¹⁰I am writing these things to you before I arrive. This way I won't have to be hard on you when I use the authority that the Lord has given me. I was given this authority, so that I could help you and not destroy you.
    ¹¹Good-by, my friends. Do better and pay attention to what I have said. Try to get along and live peacefully with each other.
   Now I pray that God, who gives love and peace, will be with you. ¹²Give each other a warm greeting. All of God's people send their greetings.
    ¹³I pray that the Lord Jesus Christ will bless you and be kind to you! May God bless you with his love, and may the Holy Spirit join all your hearts together.

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Psalm 57:1-11 (Contemporary English Version)

Psalm 57

(For the music leader. To the tune "Don't Destroy." (Psalm 57; 58 Don't Destroy: One possible meaning for the difficult Hebrew text.) A special psalm by David when he was in the cave while running from Saul.)

Praise and Trust in Times of Trouble

 ¹God Most High, have pity on me!    Have mercy.
   I run to you
   for safety.
   In the shadow of your wings,
   I seek protection
   till danger dies down.
    ²I pray to you, my protector.
    ³You will send help from heaven
   and save me,
   but you will bring trouble
   on my attackers.
   You are faithful,
   and you can be trusted.
    ⁴I live among lions,
   who gobble down people!
   They have spears and arrows
   instead of teeth,
   and they have sharp swords
   instead of tongues.
    ⁵May you, my God, be honored
   above the heavens;
   may your glory be seen
   everywhere on earth.
    ⁶Enemies set traps for my feet
   and struck me down.
   They dug a pit in my path,
   but fell in it themselves.
    ⁷I am faithful to you,
   and you can trust me.
   I will sing and play music
   for you, my God.
    ⁸I feel wide awake!
   I will wake up my harp
   and wake up the sun.
    ⁹I will praise you, Lord,
   for everyone to hear,
   and I will sing hymns to you
   in every nation.
    ¹⁰Your love reaches higher
   than the heavens;
   your loyalty extends
   beyond the clouds.
    ¹¹May you, my God, be honored
   above the heavens;
   may your glory be seen
   everywhere on earth.

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Proverbs 23:9-11 (Contemporary English Version)

-9-

 ⁹ Don't talk to fools--    they will just make fun.
   

-10-

 ¹⁰ Don't move a boundary marker ^[a] or take the land    that belongs to orphans.
    ¹¹God All-Powerful is there
   to defend them against you.
   

Footnotes:

1. Proverbs 23:10 marker: See the note at 22.28.

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Verse of the Day

 

“[Suffering for Doing Right]Finally, all of you should agree and have concern and love for each other. You should also be kind and humble.” - 1 Peter 3:8

Today's passage is from the Contemporary English Version.

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Thought for the Day

German pianist, composer and piano teacher, Clara Schumann wrote, “Why hurry over beautiful things? Why not linger and enjoy them?”

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A Joke for Today

A man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”

Donald replied, “Well, then just give me back my money.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Donald said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

Donald said, “Sure I can! Watch me.

A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”

Donald is moving into the White House later this month.

Bible Readings for September 12, 2019

Today our passages are Isaiah 10:1–11:16; 2 Corinthians 12:11-21; Psalm 56:1-13; and Proverbs 23:6-8. The readings are from the Contemporary English Version. If you find these readings helpful, please consider sending an offering directly to Cove Presbyterian Church, 3404 Main Street, Weirton, West Virginia or through PayPal by using the link below.

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Isaiah 10-11:16 (Contemporary English Version)

Isaiah 10

 ¹You people are in for trouble! You have made cruel and unfair laws ²that let you cheat the poor and needy and rob widows and orphans. ³But what will you do when you are fiercely attacked and punished by foreigners? Where will you run for help? Where will you hide your valuables? ⁴How will you escape being captured ^[a] or killed? The Lord is still angry, and he isn't through with you yet! ^[b]

The Lord's Purpose and the King of Assyria

 ⁵The Lord says:    I am furious! And I will use the king of Assyria ^[c] as a club ⁶to beat down you godless people. I am angry with you, and I will send him to attack you. He will take what he wants and walk on you like mud in the streets. ⁷He has even bigger plans in mind, because he wants to destroy many nations. ⁸The king of Assyria says:
   My army commanders are kings! ⁹They have already captured ^[d] the cities of Calno, Carchemish, Hamath, Arpad, Samaria, and Damascus. ^10-11The gods of Jerusalem and Samaria are weaker than the gods of those powerful nations. And I will destroy Jerusalem, together with its gods and idols, just as I did Samaria. ¹²The Lord will do what he has planned against Jerusalem and Mount Zion. Then he will punish the proud and boastful king of Assyria, ¹³who says:
   I did these things by my own power because I am smart and clever. I attacked kings like a wild bull, and I took the land and the treasures of their nations. ¹⁴I have conquered the whole world! And it was easier than taking eggs from an unguarded nest. No one even flapped a wing or made a peep.
    ¹⁵King of Assyria, can an ax or a saw overpower the one who uses it? Can a wooden pole lift whoever holds it? ¹⁶The mighty LORD All-Powerful will send a terrible disease to strike down your army, and you will burn with fever under your royal robes. ¹⁷The holy God, who is the light of Israel, will turn into a fire, and in one day you will go up in flames, just like a thornbush. ¹⁸The Lord will make your beautiful forests and fertile fields slowly rot. ¹⁹There will be so few trees that even a young child can count them.   

Only a Few Will Come Back

 ²⁰A time is coming when the survivors from Israel and Judah will completely depend on the holy LORD of Israel, instead of the nation ^[e] that defeated them. ^21-22There were as many people as there are grains of sand along the seashore, but only a few will survive to come back to Israel's mighty God. This is because he has threatened to destroy their nation, just as they deserve. ²³The LORD All-Powerful has promised that everyone on this earth ^[f] will be punished. ²⁴Now the LORD God All-Powerful says to his people in Jerusalem:    The Assyrians will beat you with sticks and abuse you, just as the Egyptians did. But don't be afraid of them. ²⁵Soon I will stop being angry with you, and I will punish them for their crimes. ^[g] ²⁶I will beat the Assyrians with a whip, as I did the people of Midian near the rock at Oreb. And I will show the same mighty power that I used when I made a path through the sea in Egypt. ²⁷Then they will no longer rule your nation. All will go well for you, ^[h] and your burden will be lifted. ²⁸Enemy troops have reached the town of Aiath. ^[i] They have gone through Migron, and they stored their supplies at Michmash, ²⁹before crossing the valley and spending the night at Geba. ^[j] The people of Ramah are terrified; everyone in Gibeah, the hometown of Saul, has run away. ³⁰Loud crying can be heard in the towns of Gallim, Laishah, and sorrowful Anathoth. ³¹No one is left in Madmenah or Gebim. ³²Today the enemy will camp at Nob ^[k] and shake a threatening fist at Mount Zion in Jerusalem. ³³But the LORD All-Powerful
   will use his fearsome might
   to bring down the tallest trees
   and chop off every branch.
    ³⁴With an ax, the glorious Lord
   will destroy every tree
   in the forests of Lebanon. ^[l]

Isaiah 11

Peace at Last

 ¹Like a branch that sprouts    from a stump,
   someone from David's family ^[m] will someday be king.
    ²The Spirit of the LORD
   will be with him
   to give him understanding,
   wisdom, and insight.
   He will be powerful,
   and he will know
   and honor the LORD.
    ³His greatest joy will be
   to obey the LORD.
   This king won't judge
   by appearances
   or listen to rumors.
    ⁴The poor and the needy
   will be treated with fairness
   and with justice.
   His word will be law
   everywhere in the land,
   and criminals
   will be put to death.
    ⁵Honesty and fairness
   will be his royal robes.
    ⁶Leopards will lie down
   with young goats,
   and wolves will rest
   with lambs.
   Calves and lions
   will eat together
   and be cared for
   by little children.
    ⁷Cows and bears will share
   the same pasture;
   their young will rest
   side by side.
   Lions and oxen
   will both eat straw.
    ⁸Little children will play
   near snake holes.
   They will stick their hands
   into dens of poisonous snakes
   and never be hurt.
    ⁹Nothing harmful will take place
   on the LORD's holy mountain.
   Just as water fills the sea,
   the land will be filled
   with people
   who know
   and honor the LORD.   

God's People Will Come Back Home

 ¹⁰The time is coming when one of David's descendants ^[n] will be the signal for the people of all nations to come together. They will follow his advice, and his own nation will become famous. ¹¹When that day comes, the Lord will again reach out his mighty arm and bring home his people who have survived in Assyria, Egypt, Pathros, Ethiopia, ^[o] Elam, Shinar, Hamath, and the land along the coast. ^[p] ¹²He will give a signal to the nations, and he will bring together the refugees from Judah and Israel, who have been scattered all over the earth. ¹³Israel will stop being jealous of Judah, and Judah will no longer be the enemy of Israel. ¹⁴Instead, they will get together and attack the Philistines in the west. Then they will defeat the Edomites, the Moabites, and the Ammonites in the east. They will rule those people and take from them whatever they want. ¹⁵The Lord will dry up the arm of the Red Sea near Egypt, ^[q] and he will send a scorching wind to divide the Euphrates River into seven streams that anyone can step across. ¹⁶Then for his people who survive, there will be a good road from Assyria, just as there was a good road for their ancestors when they left Egypt.

Footnotes:

1. Isaiah 10:4 escape being captured: One possible meaning for the difficult Hebrew text.
2. Isaiah 10:4 and he. . . yet: Or "but he hasn't given up on you yet!"
3. Isaiah 10:5 king of Assyria: Probably King Sennacherib who invaded Israel in 701 B.C.
4. Isaiah 10:9 already captured: Calno (in northern Syria), Carchemish (on the Euphrates River), Hamath (on the Orontes River), Arpad (near Aleppo in northern Syria), Samaria, and Damascus had already been captured by Assyrian kings (738-717 B.C.).
5. Isaiah 10:20 nation: That is, Assyria.
6. Isaiah 10:23 on this earth: Or "in this land."
7. Isaiah 10:25 punish. . . crimes: Or "completely destroy them."
8. Isaiah 10:27 All. . . you: One possible meaning for the difficult Hebrew text.
9. Isaiah 10:28 Aiath: Probably Ai (Joshua 7.2).
10. Isaiah 10:29 Geba: Only six miles from Jerusalem.
11. Isaiah 10:32 Nob: Perhaps within two miles of Jerusalem.
12. Isaiah 10:34 Lebanon: One possible meaning for the difficult Hebrew text of verse 34.
13. Isaiah 11:1 David's family: Hebrew "Jesse's family." Jesse was the father of King David.
14. Isaiah 11:10 David's descendants: Hebrew "Jesse's descendants" (see the note at 11.1).
15. Isaiah 11:11 Ethiopia: The Hebrew text has "Cush," which was a region south of Egypt that included parts of the present countries of Ethiopia and Sudan.
16. Isaiah 11:11 land along the coast: Or "islands."
17. Isaiah 11:15 arm of the Red Sea near Egypt: Gulf of Suez.

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2 Corinthians 12:11-21 (Contemporary English Version)

Paul's Concern for the Lord's Followers at Corinth

 ¹¹I have been making a fool of myself. But you forced me to do it, when you should have been speaking up for me. I may be nothing at all, but I am as good as those super apostles. ¹²When I was with you, I was patient and worked all the powerful miracles and signs and wonders of a true apostle. ¹³You missed out on only one blessing that the other churches received. That is, you didn't have to support me. Forgive me for doing you wrong.     ¹⁴I am planning to visit you for the third time. But I still won't make a burden of myself. What I really want is you, and not what you have. Children are not supposed to save up for their parents, but parents are supposed to take care of their children. ¹⁵So I will gladly give all that I have and all that I am. Will you love me less for loving you too much? ¹⁶You agree that I wasn't a burden to you. Maybe that's because I was trying to catch you off guard and trick you. ¹⁷Were you cheated by any of those I sent to you? ¹⁸I urged Titus to visit you, and I sent another follower with him. But Titus didn't cheat you, and we felt and behaved the same way he did.
    ¹⁹Have you been thinking all along that we have been defending ourselves to you? Actually, we have been speaking to God as followers of Christ. But, my friends, we did it all for your good.
    ²⁰I am afraid that when I come, we won't be pleased with each other. I fear that some of you may be arguing or jealous or angry or selfish or gossiping or insulting each other. I even fear that you may be proud and acting like a mob. ²¹I am afraid God will make me ashamed when I visit you again. I will feel like crying because many of you have never given up your old sins. You are still doing things that are immoral, indecent, and shameful.

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Psalm 56:1-13 (Contemporary English Version)

Psalm 56

(For the music leader. To the tune "A Silent Dove in the Distance." (Psalm 56 A Silent. . . Distance: One possible meaning for the difficult Hebrew text.) A special psalm by David when the Philistines captured him in Gath.)

A Prayer of Trust in God

 ¹Have pity, God Most High!    My enemies chase me all day.
    ²Many of them are pursuing
   and attacking me,
    ³but even when I am afraid,
   I keep on trusting you.
    ⁴I praise your promises!
   I trust you and am not afraid.
   No one can harm me.
    ⁵Enemies spend the whole day
   finding fault with me;
   all they think about
   is how to do me harm.
    ⁶They attack from ambush,
   watching my every step
   and hoping to kill me.
    ⁷They won't get away ^[a] with these crimes, God,
   because when you get angry,
   you destroy people.
    ⁸You have kept record
   of my days of wandering.
   You have stored my tears
   in your bottle
   and counted each of them.
    ⁹When I pray, LORD God,
   my enemies will retreat,
   because I know for certain
   that you are with me.
    ¹⁰I praise your promises!
    ¹¹I trust you and am not afraid.
   No one can harm me.
    ¹²I will keep my promises
   to you, my God,
   and bring you gifts.
    ¹³You protected me from death
   and kept me from stumbling,
   so that I would please you
   and follow the light
   that leads to life.
   

Footnotes:

1. Psalm 56:7 They. . . away: One possible meaning for the difficult Hebrew text.

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Proverbs 23:6-8 (Contemporary English Version)

-8-

 ⁶ Don't accept an invitation    to eat a selfish person's food,
   no matter how good it is.
    ⁷People like that take note
   of how much you eat. ^[a] They say, "Take all you want!"
   But they don't mean it.
    ⁸Each bite will come back up,
   and all your kind words
   will be wasted.

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Verse of the Day

“Always be glad because of the Lord! I will say it again: Be glad.” - Philippians 4:4

Today's passage is from the Contemporary English Version.

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Thought for the Day

German-American biophysicist at Columbia University and a Nobel laureate, Joachim Frank wrote, “I think I have a heavily compartmentalized brain, which means that certain routines are simply running without me realizing it.”

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A Joke for Today

Twelve Things You Don’t Say to a Police Officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Bible Readings for September 11, 2019

Today our passages are Isaiah 8:1–9:21; 2 Corinthians 12:1-10; Psalm 55:1-23; and Proverbs 23:4-5. The readings are from the Contemporary English Version. If you find these readings helpful, please consider sending an offering directly to Cove Presbyterian Church, 3404 Main Street, Weirton, West Virginia or through PayPal by using the link below.

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Isaiah 8-9:21 (Contemporary English Version)

Isaiah 8

A Warning and a Hope

 ¹The LORD said, "Isaiah, get something to write on. Then write in big clear letters ^[a] the name, MAHER-SHALAL-HASH-BAZ. ^[b] ²I will have Uriah the priest and Zechariah son of Jeberechiah serve as witnesses to this." ³Sometime later, my wife and I had a son, and the LORD said, "Name him Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz. ⁴Because before he can say `Mommy' or `Daddy', the king of Assyria will attack and take everything of value from Damascus and Samaria."     ⁵The LORD spoke to me again and said:
    ⁶These people have refused the gentle waters of Shiloah ^[c] and have gladly gone over to the side of King Rezin and King Pekah. ⁷Now I will send the king of Assyria against them with his powerful army, which will attack like the mighty Euphrates River overflowing its banks. ⁸Enemy soldiers will cover Judah like a flood reaching up to your neck. But God is with us. ^[d] He will spread his wings
   and protect our land. ^[e] ⁹All of you foreign nations,
   go ahead and prepare for war,
   but you will be crushed.
    ¹⁰Get together and make plans,
   but you will fail
   because God is with us.
    ¹¹The LORD took hold of me with his powerful hand and said:
   I'm warning you! Don't act like these people. ¹²Don't call something a rebellious plot, just because they do, and don't be afraid of something, just because they are. ¹³I am the one you should fear and respect. I am the holy God, the LORD All-Powerful! ^14-15Run to me for protection. I am a rock that will make both Judah and Israel stumble and break their bones. I am a trap that will catch the people of Jerusalem--they will be captured and dragged away.   

Isaiah and His Followers

 ¹⁶My message and my teachings are to be sealed and given to my followers. ¹⁷Meanwhile, I patiently trust the LORD, even though he is no longer pleased with Israel. ¹⁸My children and I are warning signs to Israel from the LORD All-Powerful, who lives on Mount Zion.     ¹⁹Someone may say to you, "Go to the fortunetellers who make soft chirping sounds or ask the spirits of the dead. After all, a nation ought to be able to ask its own gods ²⁰what it should do."
   None of those who talk like that will live to see the light of day! ²¹They will go around in great pain and will become so hungry that they will angrily curse their king and their gods. And when they try to find help in heaven ²²and on earth, they will find only trouble and darkness, terrible trouble and deepest darkness.
   

Isaiah 9

 ¹But those who have suffered will no longer be in pain. ^[f] The territories of Zebulun and Naphtali in Galilee were once hated. But this land of the Gentiles across the Jordan River and along the Mediterranean Sea will be greatly respected.

War Is Over

 ²Those who walked in the dark    have seen a bright light.
   And it shines upon everyone
   who lives in the land
   of darkest shadows.
    ³Our LORD, you have made
   your nation stronger. ^[g] Because of you, its people
   are glad and celebrate
   like workers at harvest time
   or like soldiers dividing up
   what they have taken.
    ⁴You have broken the power
   of those who abused
   and enslaved your people.
   You have rescued them
   just as you saved your people
   from Midian. ^[h] ⁵The boots of marching warriors
   and the blood-stained uniforms
   have been fed to flames
   and eaten by fire.   

A Child Has Been Born

 ⁶A child has been born for us.    We have been given a son
   who will be our ruler.
   His names will be
   Wonderful Advisor
   and Mighty God,
   Eternal Father
   and Prince of Peace.
    ⁷His power will never end;
   peace will last forever.
   He will rule David's kingdom
   and make it grow strong.
   He will always rule
   with honesty and justice.
   The LORD All-Powerful
   will make certain
   that all of this is done.   

God Will Punish Israel

 ⁸The Lord had warned the people of Israel, ⁹and all of them knew it, including everyone in the capital city of Samaria. But they were proud and stubborn and said,     ¹⁰"Houses of brick and sycamore
   have fallen to the ground,
   but we will build houses
   with stones and cedar."
    ¹¹The LORD made their enemies ^[i] attack them. ¹²He sent the Arameans from the east and the Philistines from the west, and they swallowed up Israel. But even this did not stop him from being angry, so he kept on punishing them. ^[j] ¹³The people of Israel still did not turn back to the LORD All-Powerful and worship him. ¹⁴In one day he cut off their head and tail, their leaves and branches. ¹⁵Their rulers and leaders were the head, and the lying prophets were the tail. ¹⁶They had led the nation down the wrong path, and the people were confused. ¹⁷The Lord was angry with his people and kept punishing them, because they had turned against him. ^[k] They were evil and spoke foolishly. That's why he did not have pity on their young people or on their widows and orphans. ¹⁸Evil had spread like a raging forest fire sending thornbushes up in smoke. ¹⁹The LORD All-Powerful was angry and used the people as fuel for a fire that scorched the land. They turned against each other ²⁰like wild animals attacking and eating everyone around them, even their own relatives. ^[l] But still they were not satisfied. ²¹The tribes of Ephraim and Manasseh turned against each other, then joined forces to attack Judah. But the LORD was still angry and ready to punish the nation even more.

Footnotes:

1. Isaiah 8:1 in big clear letters: One possible meaning for the difficult Hebrew text.
2. Isaiah 8:1 MAHER-SHALAL-HASH-BAZ: In Hebrew "Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz" means "suddenly attacked, quickly taken."
3. Isaiah 8:6 Shiloah: The canal that brought water from Gihon Spring to Jerusalem.
4. Isaiah 8:8 God is with us: Here and in verse 10 this translates the Hebrew word "Immanuel" (see 7.14).
5. Isaiah 8:8 But. . . land: One possible meaning for the difficult Hebrew text.
6. Isaiah 9:1 will. . . pain: One possible meaning for the difficult Hebrew text.
7. Isaiah 9:3 stronger: Or "happy" or "larger."
8. Isaiah 9:4 rescued. . . from Midian: The time when Gideon defeated the people of Midian in Jezreel Valley (see Judges 6-8).
9. Isaiah 9:11 their enemies: Hebrew "the enemies of Rezin."
10. Isaiah 9:12 so. . . them: Or "but he hasn't given up on them yet."
11. Isaiah 9:17 and kept. . . against him: Or "but even though they had turned against him, he still had not given up on them."
12. Isaiah 9:20 their own relatives: One possible meaning for the difficult Hebrew text.

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2 Corinthians 12:1-10 (Contemporary English Version)

2 Corinthians 12

Visions from the Lord

 ¹I have to brag. There is nothing to be gained by it, but I must brag about the visions and other things that the Lord has shown me. ²I know about one of Christ's followers who was taken up into the third heaven fourteen years ago. I don't know if the man was still in his body when it happened, but God certainly knows.

    ³As I said, only God really knows if this man was in his body at the time. ⁴But he was taken up into paradise, ^[a] where he heard things that are too wonderful to tell. ⁵I will brag about that man, but not about myself, except to say how weak I am. ⁶Yet even if I did brag, I would not be foolish. I would simply be speaking the truth. But I will try not to say too much. That way, none of you will think more highly of me than you should because of what you have seen me do and say. ⁷Of course, I am now referring to the wonderful things I saw. One of Satan's angels was sent to make me suffer terribly, so that I would not feel too proud. ^[b] ⁸Three times I begged the Lord to make this suffering go away. ⁹But he replied, "My kindness is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak." So if Christ keeps giving me his power, I will gladly brag about how weak I am. ¹⁰Yes, I am glad to be weak or insulted or mistreated or to have troubles and sufferings, if it is for Christ. Because when I am weak, I am strong.

   

Footnotes:

1. 2 Corinthians 12:4 paradise: In the Greek translation of the Old Testament, this word is used for the Garden of Eden. In New Testament times it was sometimes used for the place where God's people are happy and at rest, as they wait for the final judgment.
2. 2 Corinthians 12:7 Of course. . . too proud: Or "Because of the wonderful things that I saw, one of Satan's angels was sent to make me suffer terribly, so that I would not feel too proud."

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Psalm 55:1-23 (Contemporary English Version)

Psalm 55

(A special psalm by David for the music leader. Use with stringed instruments.)

Betrayed by a Friend

 ¹Listen, God, to my prayer!

   Don't reject my request.

    ²Please listen and help me.

   My thoughts are troubled,

   and I keep groaning

    ³because my loud enemies

   shout and attack.

   They treat me terribly

   and hold angry grudges.

    ⁴My heart is racing fast,

   and I am afraid of dying.

    ⁵I am trembling with fear,

   completely terrified.

    ⁶I wish I had wings

   like a dove,

   so I could fly far away

   and be at peace.

    ⁷I would go and live

   in some distant desert.

    ⁸I would quickly find shelter

   from howling winds

   and raging storms.

    ⁹Confuse my enemies, Lord!

   Upset their plans.

   Cruelty and violence

   are all I see in the city,

    ¹⁰and they are like guards

   on patrol day and night.

   The city is full of trouble,

   evil, ¹¹and corruption.

   Troublemakers and liars

   freely roam the streets.

    ¹²My enemies are not the ones

   who sneer and make fun.

   I could put up with that

   or even hide from them.

    ¹³But it was my closest friend,

   the one I trusted most.

    ¹⁴We enjoyed being together,

   and we went with others

   to your house, our God.

    ¹⁵All who hate me are controlled

   by the power of evil.

   Sentence them to death

   and send them down alive

   to the world of the dead.

    ¹⁶I ask for your help, LORD God,

   and you will keep me safe.

    ¹⁷Morning, noon, and night

   you hear my concerns

   and my complaints.

    ¹⁸I am attacked from all sides,

   but you will rescue me

   unharmed by the battle.

    ¹⁹You have always ruled,

   and you will hear me.

   You will defeat my enemies

   because they won't turn

   and worship you.

    ²⁰My friend turned against me

   and broke his promise.

    ²¹His words were smoother

   than butter,

   and softer

   than olive oil.

   But hatred filled his heart,

   and he was ready to attack

   with a sword.

    ²²Our LORD, we belong to you.

   We tell you what worries us,

   and you won't let us fall.

    ²³But what about those people

   who are cruel and brutal?

   You will throw them down

   into the deepest pit

   long before their time.

   I trust you, LORD!

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Proverbs 23:4-5 (Contemporary English Version)

-7-

 ⁴ Give up trying so hard

   to get rich.

    ⁵Your money flies away

   before you know it,

   just like an eagle

   suddenly taking off.

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Verse of the Day

“[(A song for worship.)][The LORD Will Protect His People]I look to the hills! Where will I find help? It will come from the LORD, who created the heavens and the earth.” - Psalm 121:1-2

Today's passage is from the Contemporary English Version.

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Thought for the Day

Indian advocate of nonviolence and human rights, Vinoba Bhave wrote, “The river flows at its own sweet will, but the flood is bound in the two banks. If it were not thus bound, its freedom would be wasted.”

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A Joke for Today

Laws of Household Physics

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples: 

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved. 
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one. 
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window. 
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed. 
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage. 
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight. 
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers. 
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature. 
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers. 
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies. 
11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.